ive remembered a few more of my dreams

2 nights ago i had a dream that bannon was cheating on me with Shawna...( a slut in bondurant ) and i found out and they were telling me all these unknown details that i didnt really even want to know. he openly admitted to it...and i would cry..woke up crying...or felt as if i was awake...but i was still asleep... then for some reason i still stayed with him... i felt horriable... i felt sick to my stomachh...and all i could remember was feeling betrayed and sad..but didnt know what to do with bannon becuase im in love with him...

The dream i had last night was a bit different...and very scary.... i had a dream i was rapped....some 40 year old man rapped me...it was scary... it felt like i was there... being forced and tortured and screaming for him to stop... then he would hold my hand and make me walk down the street with him...and make me sit on his lap...he was scary and i was afraid of him..then he would always keep his eyes on me... i guess it was in some "girls domatory"...and one by one... i would see him with a new girl... doing the same as he did to me...

im fuckin tired of these fucked up dreams... i know dreams have meanings... i just want to know what the meanings ARE.

<3 lindsey kay <3

I know i havnt updated lately ... but something weird has been goin on ... for about a week and a half ive been having NightMares EVERY single night...and i dont know why.. or what it means.. but i never have normal dreams... in my dreams i see people dieing, dead babies... friends hating me... fights...being stuck in places and being branwashed and possesseed.

First dream i had i was stuck in a hotel with my whole entire family plus people i didnt even know... and down below on a middle floor was the man who was possessing  us...we all wanted to stay on level 1...but something was possesing us to go to the top of the floor..the floor where weird and fucked up things happened... and we would all be controlled by this evil being that lived in the middle floor...so one by one we all ended up in the top floor..trying to rescuse others from being possesed and going up there... we were just stuck in this hotel for ... well my whole dream... we had no food..no nothing...so we stared killing people... and cooked their body parts in an oven... we had a bucket of pee ( dont ask) and a tray of terds taht my grandma took out of the toilet LOL .. and eye balls and legs and arms and everything...a nd mashed potatoes.. id ont know why.. but ...ya  we had mashed potatoes... anyfuck... i was the only one knowing what was going on... no one else did... and i tried to go down to the middle floor... where the evil beignl ived... i was with someone but i dont remember who.. but there was a sign... it was dated with numbers and when i read them outloud... this huge garage looking door opened and inside was pure blackness.... and i realized that the numbers was the date of the death of the first person in the hotel... my friend walked in the black ness...and i repeteaed the numbers aagain...and the door closed..and all i heard was screaming... well there was more but i cant remember.

i had more nightmares but i cant exactly remember them all... the one i had last night had to do with Sheena Dasheil for some reason...very strange... it was her birthday party... and i was invited...but for some odd reason we got in a HUGE fight...and everyone went to her birthday party in this never ending church...everyone went... but i was afraid to go...so i snuck around hoping not to run into her because i was the only one without a birthday present.... it was weird..but evveryone hated me... there were over 20 rooms full of people and things she was going to do for her birthday... and i kept seeing her... and i entereed one room...and it was full of Dead Babies.... i dont know why..but i picked one up..and someone told me not to touch and it started moving...and it tried to keep it to life.... so i ran ro my car...and outside was sheena and a bunch of people by a fuckin gas pump eating birthday cake...and two girls ran up to my car and opened the door and i started fraeking out and slappin the bitches..and one went underneath the car... and had found a fuckin wallet...and i yelled at them until they went away... then i drove up to sheena...and talked to her..and she wasnt even mad at me....infact she was happy that i was at her birthday party... but pretty much the whole being mad at and sneaking around and seeing dead babies freaked me out when i woke up...

why the fuck am i having such bizzare dreams!!!!

<3 Lindsey

NEW MOM WANTED!!!... cuz mine fuckin SUCKS..

on a good note...me and bannon are doing better then EVER!!!... i love him much...

<3 <3

lindsey

Finally life is gettin better, Good news from Bannon. He isn't going to be locked up. (( at least not yet )) he is trying to transfer out of Mayer Hall and go to the YESS shelter..( better then mayer hall i guess) cuz once he gets there he can get phone calls and i can go and visit him :) and while he is in there he is gettin a job ( cuz they can have jobs ) and he is trying to get on Independent living.... becuase he has no where to live now...no one wants him. So if he doesnt get out of the YESS shelter by December, then he will have to live at Adlora until he's 18 ... (( aldora is like a Bootcamp ))...and that would be a BAD thing :(

i havnt gotten any more letter from him. But its okay... i know he loves me... and he knows i love him, and nothing is going to make us split up, even though we are in a really shitty situation that is takin us apart from each other. Its okay... id do anything for him...so now my job is to get on my mom's good side...and be a Good kid for once, that way she will take me to go and see him at the YESS shelter, and so i wont get sent away.

and get a job..becuase as soon as bannon turns 18..he is FREE and i am going to move in with him. me and him are gona try to get an Aparptment or Trailor...watever is cheapest, i dont care at this point...i just cant wait to hug him again...and see him

~~ also made a new friend...her name is Katrina ( she's 19..woo hoo cigeretes! ) and she's pretty tight..>Ty and Jason BOTH want her balls though...Heh.... but ive been chillen w/ her the past coulple of days..and been chillen with ty and jason alot too.

and sydney got kicked outa School becuase she "isnt in the school district"...she got kicked outa her grandma's hosue...and lives in Frair now :( and she is gone :( i just hope she inrols in SOME kind of school, and just doesnt give up.

Well im out ... Much Love :)

<3 lindsey

Well something happened today that made me freaking HAPPY as fuck... i got two letters from Bannon FINALLY...they were written the day after, and ttwo days after he got sent away...so basically he wasnt ignoring me...the mail system just fucking SUCKS.

god it felt soooooooo good to hear from him...even in letters..he said everything i  could of hoped he would say... it made me feel good...and now i got something to live on... i love that boy so much ..when he gets out..he's MINE...and im not going to lose him again... ever... i swear

<3 lindsey N' Bannon <3

I hate being on my fuckin period... Fuckin SUCKS.

AnyHoo... i have no life...what am i thinking..why am i even trying to update this?

Silly Lindsey

peace...

i dont know what to do... i have no inspiration to do anything, im sad just about everyday.  Bannon is all i can think about. What am i supposed to do? i cant take it... im breaking down really bad... i collasped yesterday and lay on the living room floor crying for about an hour.

i just dont know what to do with myself... and i dont know what to think... im lost

lindsey>

i know how long bannon is going to be locked up....

14 years

.... i cant move... i feel like im going to throw up....and i cant eat

</3 lindsey

Today has been hard, Bannon's been gone since Tuesday night... and im a TINY bit better, but not really. Just trying to get used to not having him around.

i went to school today.... no make up... in a bad mood, cried once... but didnt let no one see. I Love Bannon so fuckin much... im starting to miss the bannon i knew.... i miss him runnin around and being hyper and happy and saying weird fucked up shit that was TOTALLY out there.... i miss kissing him... even though he didnt ever use tounge lol...* we've never made out* he thinks make out kissin is gross. I miss walking around with him RIGHT when i get home  from school... till the minute im supposed to be home.... i miss him teasing me... and saying "WHere's your boobs?">... while holding out his hand...and everytime id put his hand on my boob and he'd be like "yeaaaaaa!"....lol... he was very cute about it though...and it was just sommin he did everyday... i even miss him Farting on me :(

i came home.... and to TRY to get myself in a good mood, i went and hung out with all the M-VIlle people that i hung out with when i was always with bannon.... it was different...everyone knew bannon was gone....Ty hit on me, Jason hit on me, Chris hit on me, and Jeff hit on me... jeff tried to get me to go to his house w/ him and shit... but pfff... everyone knows how much i love bannon there though...and i told him i was waiting for him to get out...and of course all teh girls thought that was fuckin adorable....( CJ, and Emily ) my home girls :-p

i was crying up there... i got LOTS of hugs...and LOTS of free Cigerettes :) i started feelin a lil better, until i saw jon cry... ( bannon's brother ) ... he misses him just as much as i do...jon wants to be exactly like his brother...and thats kinda how he is growing up to be.

i just want it to be known, that i love bannon with all my heart, and there is no way in hell id break up with him just cuz he'll be locked up for 8 months..

i need to start thinking about sommin else, but he's everywhere...everyone talks about him still....his hat and pictures and things he made for me are hanging on my wall... i have TWO of his braceletes , a ring, and one of his necklaces he all gave to me to remeber him by, and thats all i got. But deep down i know he's thinkin about me too right now.... and i know he loves me just as much as i love him...and i cant wait to see him :(

I ~ LOVE ~ BANNON ~ BAXTER ~ BOTHWELL ~ JR.

:( *tears*

</3 Lindsey....

if you are reading this right now...Leave a comment so i know so.... cuz i duno WHO the fuck reads my journal..and itd be a nice thing to know lol ... bitches

So... something is wrong with me..Fact. What the fuck is it though?... i started breaking out crying today at Bannon's house, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? ... i really dont know why i started crying, i was just depressed all day... i hate that shit.. i cant even controll it...he started rubbing my leg in a loving way, and i burst into tears. And the reason is so retarded. I feel bad sometimes, like he is better then me, and he is too good for me...he's everything  i wanted, ... and he calls me beautiful all the time..and tells me how much he loves me...and treats me like a goddess...im overwhelmed... i never thought i would get this again. it was like... a happy and depressed cry at the same time... it was really weird. Omg ... i have that pinching feeling in my heart just thinking of him. You wouldnt believe how incrediable he is... he makes me feel like im everything. And he's teh only person who has ever sat there...and Starred at me...and starred at me...and LOVED it.. he loves lookin at me... and thinks i am the hottest thing ever...which is like.. "you crazy bastard" lol... but what im afraid of... is losing him...because the only thing keeping me from being depressed...is BAnnon...he is my medicine :(...

Sometimes i sit here and think of Ronald though, and the love i had for him... it was real... i love ronald... but we arnt "in love".... being in love is a two person thing...so i figured...how could i be in love with ronald...if he wasnt in love with me...so i have moved on...and i found someone i can love...and who can love me back...and its amazing.... so fuckin amazing.... i think about him fuckin day and night... its one of those ... cant sleep things... my mind goes off..and i just get to where i want to be with him all the time..

am i crazy? or just fuckin weird?.... wrong...Lindsey is in Love.

i just wish i could Love myself as much as i love bannon.... thats my only problem....

i go around an i love people...and care for people...but yet i sit here...and hate myself...and he hates that... i would give anythying to please him... no matter what...i could give a shit less about myself...

is this wrong?

<3 Lindsey

SChool sucks.

and i need money, aka... i need a freakin job.

School starts tommorow... Fuckin great...

Bannon Inrolls at S.E.P tommorow..haha i feel sorry for him :)

* if any girls there hit on them im going to beat the shit out of them , cuz i know they are all sluts*

<3 Lindsey

My Dad reads my journal..and pisses me off....there for.... i steal his Cigs... FAIR!!!

Lindsey<3

If your name is Jerry Weeks...or Teri Weeks...DONT read my fuckin Journal??

are you STILL that retarded??? keep outa my shit.... i trusted yall to fuckin stop reading it along time ago..and here you are AGAIN..reading my shit..

Fuck you for that one buddy.

And you all wonder why i treat you badly or "disrespect" you guys... well, cuz yall dont even have respect for me..and CORRECTION.. you guys DID kick me out on 420 you and your lil Crack head Wife. (( who by the way, hasnt even tried talking to me...or has even WANTED to tal to me...since i left you house... yeah she SUUUURE "loves" me dont she???...hahahaha like she would always try to tell me...but i never believe it)) i remember VERY welll wat happened on 420...maybe you dont because you were too fuckin wasted.i remember being woken up by two fuckin drunk retards...callin me a fatass...and blah blah blah...then TELLING ME...to fuckin LEAVE.... no one tried to stop me... yall fuckin let me leave... and told me that i DIDNT have to come back.. youd idnt even talk to me for a while after i left dumbasss..so dont be leaving retarded comments like that..

PEACE!!!... i might just have to delete this thing cuz ur too retarded to know what "dont read" Means.

Lindsey...

little funny reasons why bannon is the best boyfriend ever!!!

1. He calls me Georgous everyday

2.He saves me a Cigerette everytime he knows im out lol

3.He never looks at other girls

4.We can talk forever and never run out of things to say

5.When i saw him playing basketball with the little 4 year old because no one wanted to play with him...my heart dropped...guys and kids...im a sucker for that.

6.We've never once gotten in an arguement

7.He'll hold my hand .... all the time... no matter what...just to let everyone know he's mine

8. He loves telling people we're together... and he loves it

9.We could spend over 12 hours together and not run out of things to say

10. He's NEVER said anything mean to me...never even told me to shut up

11.He doesnt Cheat

12.He's always happy....and loves to make me happy...im never depressed around him

13.his smell makes my heart melt

14.He doesnt care what anyone thinks of me.....and if anyone says sommin mean about me...he beats them up..*True, he's already done it*..he can BEAT ASS!!!

15.He'd stay out all night and sleep with me outside...if i had no where to go

16.He fuckin makes my HEART MELT!

..... im falling for Bannon...

<3 Lindsey

Blah blah blah..... i just got BITCHED at for being "irresponsible...and Losing my house key"... she thinks that means i should go to Minor Hall..becuase im "irresponsible"..she said she isnt going to sleep until i find the key becuase if i cant find it she's going to NAIL the door shut...and have to buy a New lock tommorow....My mom's a fucking PSYCHO... Bitch.... thats all i gota say.

ANyways.... i thought id post a picture or my Boyfriend... <3 <3 <3

<< Bannon <3

<3 Peace Out Bitches...... Linz